Oh, where's that delivery boy from the market?
He always helped me carry packages home.
Oh, yeah, Eddie Collins. They had to fire him.
Every time somebody didn't tip, he'd crush their butter.
Thank goodness I always tipped him.
Oh, Mom, I forgot to tell you.
Dad invited somebody over to the house for dinner.
Oh, anyone we know?
No. Just an old Army buddy. He's in town to get married.
Oh, your father never tells me anything.
Well, I guess another guest for dinner won't be any trouble.
I think he's gonna be here a little longer than just dinner.
Dad asked him to stay until after the wedding.
Oh, he said to tell you that we're invited too.
Oh, good. Well, that gives me an excuse
to buy that dress that I already bought.
- Hi. - on, hi, Dad.
Marion, Richie, I'd like you to meet my old Army buddy, Fred Washington.
- My wife, Marion. My son Richard. - How do you do?
- It's nice to meet you, Fred. - Pleasure to meet you.
- Hi. - Oh, this is a surprise.
I didn't know that you... I mean, we didn't expect...
What I mean is we have watermelon all the time.
Here we go.
Joanie, what are you doing?
She's doing her Invisible Man imitation.
Joanie, please take it off.
It's cute, but white hoods make me nervous.
Put your napkin in your lap and give the glasses back to Fred.
You know, Fred's travelled all over the world.
Maybe there's some questions you'd like to ask him.
Say, we're all a little nervous here tonight and I'm nervous too.
It's been a long time since I sat down and had dinner with white people.
- Yeah. Well, we understand, Fred. - Yes, we do.
Just try to forget we're white.
Would you look at these photos?
I can't believe that's how we looked 12 years ago.
Oh, I can believe it. I must have put on over 5 pounds since those days.
You don't have to rub it in.
Hey, look at this one. Me with that cute little nurse, Sally.
- You remember her? - How can I forget?
You used to ring her so often we nicknamed you "The Phantom Buzzer."
Oh, boy, she was really something else.
- You know, I remember the time... - Oh, you have your scrapbook out.
Yeah, Fred and I were just reminiscing about how we met in the hospital.
Who is that pretty girl standing next to you?
Oh, she's just some nurse.
You know, Marion, Fred thought I was in the hospital
because I got wounded by a grenade.
And he didn't tell me until we were leaving
that he dropped a box of grenades on his foot.
Who'd you say that pretty nurse was?
Just some nurse, Marion, I don't remember her name.
So the old bachelor's finally taking the plunge, huh?
- Boy, I just can't believe it. - Yeah, neither can I.
Oh, there's that nurse again. You're both in bathing suits.
Yeah, well, she was giving us sun therapy.
And there she is again alone...
I think we're finished with the scrapbook, Marion.
- What are you so nervous about? - The wedding.
- One other thing. - What's that?
Howard, you and I have been friends a long time.
And I don't know anybody else in this town. So how about it?
What about what?
- You wanna have a stag party? - Howard.
Would you be my best man?
- You want me to be your best man? - Yeah.
I'll understand if you have any reservations.
Oh, no, no, Fred. I'd be proud to be your best man.
You understand that you might be the only white couple at the wedding?
- The only ones? - Yeah.
Carol's family doesn't have many friends on this side of town.
But if it's gonna make you uncomfortable,
I'll understand if you don't want to come.
Not come? Why, don't be silly. I'm looking forward to it.
In fact, I was just going upstairs to fix my dress.
Now we can get back to that cute nurse.
- Would you like some more coffee? - Oh, I'll get it. Want a cup?
No, thanks. Help yourself. Cream is in the refrigerator.
- Oh, hello, Mrs. Finley. - Hello, Mr. Cunningham.
Could I use your phone? I'm sorry to bother you.
But I was talking to my mother last night
and Mr. Finley ripped the phone right off the wall.
- Help yourself. - Oh, I'll use the one in the kitchen.
Excuse me, Mr. Cunningham,
but I couldn't help noticing that there's a man in the kitchen.
Oh, yes, that's Fred. He's staying here. Would you like to meet him?
Meet him? Oh, I don't think that's...
Fred, say hello to one of our neighbours, Mrs. Finley.
- How do you do? - This is Fred Washington.
How do you do?
I always contribute to African Missions.
So do I.
Fred's marrying a hometown girl here on Sunday.
That's nice, yeah.
Are you planning to live around here?
I haven't decided yet. Won't you sit down?
No, no, thank you.
But I did see a house on the block that I might buy.
This block?
Well, isn't that nice? You'd be neighbours.
Oh, neighbours.
You wouldn't mind living on the same block with a head shrinker, would you?
Are you a psychiatrist?
Oh, no, I collect heads and actually shrink them.
A craft handed down to me by my great uncle Nat King Kong.
That's nice.
- Well, I have to leave now. - But what about your phone call?
No, no, no, that's all right. I'll write a letter.
- That wasn't very nice of us. - It sure wasn't.
Let's do it again sometime.
You know this is the fifth time I've been asked to be a best man?
Maybe I should be on What's My Line?
- I think it was nice of Fred to ask you. - Yeah? I think so too.
I suppose, though, he has a point
that we might be conspicuous at the wedding.
Marion, you don't want us to go to the wedding, do you?
- Well, I didn't say that. - You didn't have to.
Your prejudice is coming through loud and clear.
Howard, I'm not prejudiced.
Am I prejudiced? It's hard to tell.
All that talk about feeling out of place. That's just an excuse, Marion.
Just an excuse for bigotry.
Now, let's face it, you don't want us to go to the wedding
because we're white and they're black.
You've said enough, Howard. Good night.
Bet you wouldn't tell that pretty little nurse that she's a bigot.
Marion, I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.
You did.
But it was the truth.
I think I really am prejudiced.
Thank you, Howard.
Don't mention it.
Now, let's get some sleep.
I'm going with Fred to discuss the wedding plans
at his father-in-law's office.
He needs my support.
- What does his father-in-law do? - He's an undertaker.
I never met an undertaker.
Never met a Negro, never met an undertaker.
Howard, I've got to get out of the house more.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Cunningham.
Oh, you too, Mr. Davis, and thank you.
Okay, let's talk about the wedding plans you've made.
- Oh, I'll wait in the other room. - That's the embalming room.
Then again, maybe I'll wait right here.
Oh, what a lovely ashtray.
That's Mr. Turner.
I've seen better ashtrays.
Okay, Mr. Davis, let's get down to the wedding plans.
Good idea. But first, he can't be the best man.
Why? What have you got against Howard being best man?
Nothing really, just that he's not quite the colour I had in mind.
I have nothing against white. I treat everyone the same.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
And when they come to me, I don't look at the colour,
I just put them in a box.
That is the American way.
Look, Carol and I wanted a small wedding.
- You decided on a big church affair. - Easy.
You're even trying to pick my best man.
Now, look, let me tell you something. Your wedding plans are cancelled.
I'm taking over the arrangements.
You? You're not gonna have one of those cheap weddings.
It's gonna be a nice wedding and I'm gonna do it my way.
Oh, well, goodbye, sir. You have a nice place here
and I'm gonna recommend it to my friends.
You missed a spot right there.
Yes. And yes, I understand that.
Well, no, no. I'll have to check a few other places before I decide.
Yes. Goodbye.
- Well, how's it going? - I can't believe it.
I can't find anyplace to hold the wedding.
I mean, either all the halls are booked or it's out of my price range.
- Or out of my race range. - There must be something we can do.
Joanie, would you please stop that? We're trying to solve a problem.
Okay.
Can I make a suggestion?
You could have the wedding right here in this house.
Here?
It's a terrific idea. We could have it in the living room.
Here?
Mom could play the piano. "Here Comes the Bride" is easy.
Have it here?
And for the reception, I'll make some delicious cheese dips
- and hors d'oeuvres. - Marion.
I read a marvellous recipe in a column
called "Favourite Recipes of Hollywood Wives."
Marion?
Elizabeth Taylor made it for Eddie Fisher on their honeymoon.
- Marion. - Or was it Debbie made it for Eddie?
No, it was Liz.
- Marion. - Yes, dear. I'm finished anyway.
Marion, I appreciate your offer, but think about what you're in for.
You gonna have a house full of people. Negro people.
And I'd say that that doesn't happen every day in this neighbourhood.
I'd say it doesn't happen every hundred years in this part of town.
You're gonna get funny looks from your neighbours.
Maybe more than just funny looks.
Besides, you've gotta live here, not me.
Will you give me that, Richard? I said, no paddle ball.
We're having an important discussion.
Howard, would you run it through your head?
Give me your answer in the morning, okay?
- Okay. - If your answer is no, I'll understand.
Believe me, I'll understand. But please, think about it first.
- Dad. - Please, Richard, I'm thinking.
The next time you get up in the middle of the night,
will you please put the blankets back over me?
I'm sorry, Marion.
Oh, Howard, something's wrong. Do you wanna tell me about it?
What makes you think something is wrong?
Well, for one thing, you're wearing my robe.
- Well, it was on my side of the bed. - So were the blankets.
You're right, Marion. Something is bothering me.
It's having Fred's wedding here. I'm just not so sure it'll work out.
Why do you say that?
Well, I don't think I'm a bigot, Marion, but our neighbours, they're different.
You know, like that Mrs. Finley.
Oh, Mrs. Finley is a pain in the B-E-H-I-N-D.
- That's not how you spell it. - I know.
I just don't think our neighbours are ready for this.
Well, I think we are.
Marion,
don't you think that it was guilt that made you ask Fred
to have the wedding here in the first place?
Well, maybe it was this time,
but next time, it won't be.
Oh, dear, what are you doing up?
I heard you down here.
Is there something wrong?
Your mother and I were having a private talk.
Why don't you go on back to bed?
Your father thinks the neighbours might object
to our having this wedding.
Why don't you have a glass of milk, Richard?
You know, the noise and the cars and all the people.
Nobody got upset when the Kendalls had their tenth anniversary party.
Well, that was different.
Dad, I sure am glad that you're not gonna
let our thickheaded neighbours push you around.
I mean, just because all the people are gonna be Negroes.
You are, huh?
I really am.
- Well, I wonder who that can be. - It's probably Potsie.
He always smells food coming from our kitchen.
- Oh, Officer Kincaid. - All right, what's this all about?
I caught him prowling the neighbourhood.
- I was taking a walk. - He told me he was staying here,
but I've heard that one before.
I just wanted to let you know that your police force is on its toes.
It's more likely that they've got their foot in their mouth
- because he is staying here. - He is staying here?
Well, I didn't know. I mean, well, he's a stranger.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, we all know what you mean.
I think you should know that he's not only a guest in our house
but that I am gonna be the best man at his wedding.
And that wedding is gonna take place right here in this house.
Gee, I didn't know. Congratulations. I love weddings.
Thanks, but this is just for our family.
Care to join us for a sandwich?
Oh, no, thanks, I never eat on duty. It dulls the senses.
Then you must have just had a big dinner.
- Is that the last of them, Fonzie? - Yeah.
I'll tell you, whoever sits in this one better have a good sense of balance
or you're gonna have a lawsuit on your hands.
Yeah. Well, listen, I was sorry to bother you on a weekend like this
but you're the only guy I knew who could get a truck.
Don't worry about it, huh? My boss ain't gonna miss the truck
- a couple of hours. - Well, I appreciate it anyway.
It's all right, but your father owes me 5 bucks
- along with your appreciation, right? - Oh, right, of course.
So you're gonna have a bunch of black people in here, huh?
Well, Fonzie.
I don't think that they like being called black. They're Negroes.
Hey, I didn't mean anything by it, you know.
I mean, I'll take any guy as long as he's cool, right?
I'd rather know a cool black guy than an uncool white guy
- and vice versa, if you get my drift. - Yeah. Yeah.
- I gotta go. - Okay. Thanks a lot, Fonzie.
- Pardon me, I'm Reverend Dawson. - Hey, that's cool. I'm Fonzie.
Later.
Is that a member of the wedding party?
Oh, no, sir.
Praise the Lord.
Oh, Howard, I think this wedding has become the talk of the town.
Mrs. Osgood from the church called, said that under the circumstances
- I should turn in my bingo card. - Oh, that's nothing, Marion.
John Kendall next door is putting a "not for sale" sign in his yard.
Sarah Johnson told me her mother wouldn't let me play with her anymore.
If that's the way her parents feel,
- you're better off. - Mom, Dad.
Oh, gracious. I hope I know how to play the "Wedding March."
Mom, it goes:
Excuse me, I think we're ready to start now.
Folks, I think we're ready to start the wedding now.
- Are you feeling better? - Yeah.
- You're lying, aren't you? - Yeah.
If you don't stop your shaking, you'll wear that suit out from the inside.
You always did make jokes at times like this.
- I remember the time... - You're stalling, Fred. Now, come on.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to unite this man and this woman
- in the bonds of holy... - Excuse me.
What happened?
Well, maybe he thought it was a rehearsal. Excuse me.
Marion, I'm going out to talk to Fred.
Will you try and keep these people entertained?
- Daddy, why did he do that? - I knew he would run out on you,
but I thought he would wait until after the wedding.
- Oh, Daddy. - Don't "Daddy" me.
Oh, sit down, everybody. There's been a slight delay.
Now, for your listening enjoyment, I'll play a few tunes.
Are there any requests? I know most of the hit parade.
Do you know any Count Basie?
Fred, this is no time to be shooting baskets.
Don't you realise there's a lovely girl waiting inside
while you're out here working up a sweat?
It helps me to relieve the tension, Howard,
and right now I am a very tense man.
You just got bachelor's cold feet. That's what it is.
Everybody gets it. Even Eskimos get cold feet.
It's not cold feet, Howard. It's more than that.
But what? Now, look, it's too late to have a last fling,
if that's what you're thinking. There are people waiting in there.
Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream
- Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily - Row, row, row your boat
- Life is but a dream - Gently down the stream
- Row, row, row your boat - Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
- Gently down the stream - Life is but a dream
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream
He ain't no Mitch Miller, I'll tell you that.
And another thing, I'm not too choked-up about this chair.
Look at this.
All right, Fred, what's bothering you? Is it your father-in-law?
No, it's not that. It's the whole thing.
- I mean, getting married is hard. - What's hard about it?
- You say I do and it's over. - Yeah, then I got a wife
and then before you know it, I got a lot of kids.
- You don't like kids? - I love kids.
That's why I don't wanna go through with it.
This wedding has caused us nothing but trouble. And why?
Because you're white and I'm black.
Fred, you and I aren't getting married.
That's why I don't wanna bring kids into this world right now.
I mean, the fighting over this wedding has made me realise it.
The smith, a mighty man is he, With large and sinewy hands,
The muscles of his brawny arms Are stronger than iron bands.
They gotta be kidding me.
I think I'll go back to France. Things are different over there.
Oh, so that's a solution? Just run away?
- Yeah. - Well, you can't.
- Well, why not? - Because you love Carol.
And she loves you and you should have kids.
And maybe the kids will change things.
- Oh, Howard. - Listen, Fred.
When I was a kid in the '30s, things were terrible.
Okay, here it is the '50s and they're a little better.
Who knows what it's gonna be like in the '60s?
Yeah, but it's hard.
Most things worthwhile are.
Come on.
Let's go get you married.
Oh, come on, Fred. My family's not very talented.
They can't keep holding them together like that. Come on.
I think we're losing them.
If this is the white folks' idea of a wedding,
I'd hate to see one of their funerals.
Let's get out of here.
Honey, honey. Honey, look, listen, I can explain. No, I can't.
Just tell her that you love her and you wanna get married now.
Carol, what he says.
Baby, please say yes.
I do love you.
Grab the reverend and let's do it.
- Now you're talking. - Oh, Richard.
- All right, folks. - Everybody, back to your places.
This wedding will take place over my dead body.
Please, Mr. Davis, no shoptalk.
Mr. Davis, please sit down.
- Here's some cake. - Thank you.
- Thank you, son. - You're welcome.
- Well, Fred, you finally got through it. - Yeah, thanks to you.
Well, I'm an expert on helping bachelors.
Thank you for the use of your home, for everything.
You know, that took a lot of guts.
Maybe we'll even be neighbours someday, huh?
Excuse me. Fred, Aunt Natty wants to meet you.
There she goes, sounding like a wife already. Excuse me.
You know, Dad, I wouldn't mind him moving next door to me.
Richard, by the time you get married, maybe he can.
- Mr. Cunningham. - Mr. Davis.
Oh, excuse me, I better go help serve some more cake.
How do you like the wedding so far?
Well, I can put up with my daughter marrying Fred.
And I can even put up with the wedding being held here.
But no way can I put up with that piano playing.
- May I? - Be my guest.
- May I? - Oh, please do.
Look, play this like that:
Hey, Marion, you're cooking.
Oh, Howard, I'm cooking.
- This is the last of them. - Yeah, let's get them on the truck.
Fonzie?
Did you ever think about getting married?
Yeah, once, for about a second and a half, huh?
I figured I'd get hitched, have a couple of kids,
because we weren't gonna spend all our time talking,
if you know what I mean.
- I know what you mean. - You're sure?
- Oh, yeah, Fonzie. - I mean, you gotta have cousins
and in-laws and stuff. I mean, all those people.
I got nothing against marriage,
but how am I gonna get them all on my bike at the same time?
- Let's go before they're missed. - Yeah.
We're returning the chairs. I'll be back.
- Thank you for all the help, Richard. - Oh, Fonzie, your $5.
Hey, I knew you wouldn't forget.
Night.
Oh, Howard, it was a nice wedding.
And now the happy couple are off on their honeymoon.
Hey, Marion, do you remember our wedding night?
Howard, we've been married 21 years. You can stop apologising.
Who said I was apologising?
What are you doing?
I'm sending a piece of wedding cake over to Mrs. Finley.
Wait a minute.
Now send it.